“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
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[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Thursday Thought.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest