nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
You Might Also Like
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
The old gods are rising again.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].