911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
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Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…