My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
You Might Also Like
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”