Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
You Might Also Like
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
one last job
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Dead sexy!!
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.