When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
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My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…