Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
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I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS