If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
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me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.