Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
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Some of y’all tomorrow …
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Did…did a minotaur write this
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
@funTweeters I am at your service….