it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
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Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I support this random dude and all his protests
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade