me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
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Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.