Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
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Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
I just tested negative for patience.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?