Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
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What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.