[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
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Good day meowlady
* tips cat
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that