Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
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COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Jurassic park gets weird
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.