Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
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Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t