ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
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I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
I unironically love this joke.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Discuss
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.