Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
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i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Cardio Made Easy
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see