Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
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me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
*launders Kohls cash*
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”