Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
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A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.