ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
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Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
vegan witches, happy halloween!
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
#DesignFail
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*