HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
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We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!