a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
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BETRAYAL
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Mad Max Arctic Road
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?