The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
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A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies