We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
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me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Lmao
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
(by @ZachWeiner )
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Breaking news:
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow