NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
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My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
And now we wait
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos