Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
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“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
If you need a laugh.. 😅
So the ex texted me
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
john wicks are toilet candles
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.