Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
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How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
I cannot call her anything else now
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
birds and squirrels envy us
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes