My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
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Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
What?
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Weirdos gonna weird.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Pretty much. 🤣
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome