I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
You Might Also Like
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
My dog after a walk in the woods.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
“I FIXED IT!”
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born