“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
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At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.