Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
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A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.