Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
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i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Breaking news:
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
🤣🤣
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
that de-escalated quickly
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*