a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
You Might Also Like
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had