“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
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This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Who does Amazon think I am?
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew