He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
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Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.