When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
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Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
constantly working on myself.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.