If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
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diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way