*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
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I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep