where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
You Might Also Like
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.