The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
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LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
had to share :’)
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it