I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
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Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
We’ve come full circle
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa