Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
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I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
How to find Kentucky on a map
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it