[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
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There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.