*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
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Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
If snakes were wide
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
*praying for world peace*
God:
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since