People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
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This checks out
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.