SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
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The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.