can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
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How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?