skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
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Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Care for your back
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?