You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
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Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Bruh PLEASE
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨